Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
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god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My therapist after every session
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Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.