Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

A flock of dads is called a grill.

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

Art by Pastelkatto

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?