Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

The real reason evolution started..😂

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.