Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3