Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

Guys which shade of gery should I get

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

Mornin

Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”

*All of Twitter goes missing*

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns