Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza