Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
How dramatic are you?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!