Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night.
Coworker: Wasn’t the building alarmed?
Me: Buildings don’t get scared.
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cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
“No more Mr Nice Guy”
~ Mr Nice Guy’s eulogy
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
“Hey Iron Man, how’d you get your powers?”
*flashes back to tony stark being bitten by a radioactive ironing board*
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Live tweeting from Sunday Mass!
Sorry, should’ve been kneeling.
Shit, that was embarrassing.
Meanwhile in Northern Ireland.