@TheMichaelRock

Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night.

Coworker: Wasn’t the building alarmed?

Me: Buildings don’t get scared.

CW…..

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@AllTheUglyTruth

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

@KalvinMacleod

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

@behindyourback

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

@DaddyJew

[leaving couples therapy]
*whispers to therapist* so who won?

@aotakeo

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

@dumbbeezie

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

@beefman138

My Wife wears some very revealing shirts.

Today’s shirt says ‘Nick’s ATM code is 1234’ on it.

@DranoRaul

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

@AdamTheLobster

I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.

@jonnysun

its all fun and games until someone loses an I?. then we cant play scrabble anymor