@TheMichaelRock

Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night.

Coworker: Wasn’t the building alarmed?

Me: Buildings don’t get scared.

CW…..

You Might Also Like

@trevorthehuman

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

@PaperWash

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

@NotJPo

“No more Mr Nice Guy”

~ Mr Nice Guy’s eulogy

@stats_canada

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

@trentistweeting

“Hey Iron Man, how’d you get your powers?”
*flashes back to tony stark being bitten by a radioactive ironing board*

@WetzelGeek

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

@deathoftheparty

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

@TweetingDadGuy

Live tweeting from Sunday Mass!

We’re sitting.

Now standing.

Sitting.

Sorry, should’ve been kneeling.

Shit, that was embarrassing.