Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night.

Coworker: Wasn’t the building alarmed?

Me: Buildings don’t get scared.


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Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.


[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*


I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit


[leaving couples therapy]
*whispers to therapist* so who won?


God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?


The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue


My Wife wears some very revealing shirts.

Today’s shirt says ‘Nick’s ATM code is 1234’ on it.


People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it


I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.


its all fun and games until someone loses an I?. then we cant play scrabble anymor