Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
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I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.