ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
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The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine