Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

Talk about a bad egg

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

Never ghost your hitman.

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”