me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
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The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back