me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
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Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks