me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
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bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
dutch is not a serious language
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.