me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
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Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am