The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
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I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out