Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
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Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Cucumbers Anonymous
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.