Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

good work, detective

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

damn he’s good