Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

Herpes is trending, good job people

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW