Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
You Might Also Like
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder