me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
