me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
🥲
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
