Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

ㅤ

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.