Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

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*driving through the beautiful country side*

There really are endless options when it comes to dumping a corpse.


Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.


I just downloaded another distraction on my distraction device so I can be distracted when my other distractions aren’t distracting enough.


superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell


If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.


If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules


[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”


Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?