*driving through the beautiful country side*
There really are endless options when it comes to dumping a corpse.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
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Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I just downloaded another distraction on my distraction device so I can be distracted when my other distractions aren’t distracting enough.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Morning wood makes the best fire.