Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer