Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.

HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe