Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K

💻🤡

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back