Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
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Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell