Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

Strangers have the best candy.

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

According to math, I’m broke

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.