ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
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I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business