Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

*orders delivery*

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

WHY would you be happy about this?

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

Oh yeah that’s it

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

me, too, girl. me, too.

I’m having an out of money experience.

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

i love modern commerce

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle