ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
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#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Sponch
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*