Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.