Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
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Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
what do you want
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised