Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Them: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Yes.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

wait a minute….

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

Doggies just call it style.

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else