Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
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I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Mhm.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits