Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.