@BruceForce

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

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@iAmJuddy

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

@TheClifBob

I wore a mask to run errands today

Accidentally robbed a bank

@jackiembouvier

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

@jrza84

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

@internetluke

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

@daplusk

‘When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in’
Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically

@1Happytwit

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

@jamespianka

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

@jergarl

“Calm down” I suggested.

“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’M NOT CALM?” she carved in the side of my truck.