Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
You Might Also Like
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*