“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
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I wore a mask to run errands today
Accidentally robbed a bank
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
‘When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in’
Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Calm down” I suggested.
“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’M NOT CALM?” she carved in the side of my truck.