Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

so this horse walks into a bar

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.