Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
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Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
