Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
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Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.