Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
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My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum