Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
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“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.