Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
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Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married