Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

me: babe watch me flip this omelette!

her: cool

me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!

her: sick!!!

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”