Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.