Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

the world’s most popular steaming services

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

when unicorns get really drunk

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich