Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
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People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Aw man, but that’s the best part
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes