Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: in these trying times

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: you can count on toyota

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

Ain’t no way