Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

She puts the hot in psychotic

that colleague who touches your screen

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.