Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.