Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
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I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
la cocaina
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?