Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.