Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?

me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts

IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?

me: well, where to begin…

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!