Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

She knows her part so well!

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

Still my favourite meme.

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.