Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
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Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
They’re not wrong
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.