Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

Oh thanks BBC.

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*