me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
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Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
My blood type is b hungry.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Livid.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.