Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk