ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
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boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
these two trucks have the same bed length
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”