Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

Classic German Shepherd 😂

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

“You got any plans tonight?”

Me: Yeah, sorry I do

The plans:

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”