ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
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3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.