ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

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I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.


Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.


There is an unattended child in the lobby asking a million and one questions if it is not collected immediately we will send it up the chocolate tube, swear to god


DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here


Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.


shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch


wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m: [sweating profusely]


Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”


I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.


That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad