@Ristolable

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

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@TrolleyCat

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

@BoomBoomBetty

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

@WonkaTours

There is an unattended child in the lobby asking a million and one questions if it is not collected immediately we will send it up the chocolate tube, swear to god

@KalvinMacleod

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

@KatieKatCubs

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

@IvoryGazelle

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

@GrantTanaka

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

@omgshuddup

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

@junejuly12

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

@DearAuntAbby

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad