Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
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So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
I went from rags to one rag.
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
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that de-escalated quickly
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work