me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
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*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale