me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
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Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Why I divorced her.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
