Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

My nickname in high school was “who?”

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

Arrest that man!

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream