Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it

Her: idk google it

Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting

Her: *googling DIY annulment*

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

Saturday

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.