Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

My blood type is b hungry.

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

I love the National Park Service.

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son: