Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

My loaf of bread looks terrified

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

I’m ready for Halloween this year

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.