Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”