Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.