Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

when you are just born a rebel

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months