me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
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Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*