Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

robber: be cool this is a robbery

me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf